joyeux noël de ma famille à vous !

j’ai du mal à imaginer ce que cette matinée a dû représenter pour marie et joseph : être témoins de la naissance du sauveur du monde, l’élever comme leur propre fils, et savoir qu’un jour il serait appelé à donner sa vie pour sauver nos vies.

de ma famille ici à chicago, à la vôtre, où que vous soyez, je vous souhaite un très joyeux noël, rempli de tout l’amour du monde !

i struggle to envision what this morning must have been for mary and joseph – to bear witness to the arrival of the saviour of the world, to raise him as your son, and to know that one day he will be called to give his life to save the world.

from my family here in chicago to yours, wherever you may find yourselves, i wish you the merriest christmas with all the love in the world!

à demain, chéries !

scones ?

Last week, I was given a work assignment as part of a leadership training program. Unfortunately, this week’s illness prevented me from attending the ceremony and presenting my result, so I am sharing it here, because I am loathe to let good prose go to waste.

I have been given an assignment to produce a platter of scones, and to document my experience, end-to-end, of the process and it’s consequences. I present them below, in the form of a diary:

Monday, 1^st December:

Amy informs me that she has received Lou’s secret assignment files to print, but she can’t as they were sent in Mac format. I offer to print them, but I am not supposed to see them. Lou resends them in PDF and Amy prints and envelopes them. I weep for the loss of the intelligence I could have gathered. 

Wednesday, 3^rd December:

I collect my envelope from my mailbox. It says to open on the 5^th. I think to myself that we were told we’d get 2 weeks to prepare the secret project, but there’s no point in lodging my complaint – we’re here now, all we can do is forge ahead. I put the envelope in my work bag and drive home, wondering what it is about. I shake it and find nothing abnormal in it’s response – no coins, keys, bullets, or nuclear weapons. 

Friday, 5^th December:

I am off sick, with what I assume is food poisoning from questionable lunch catered at the APWA luncheon the day before. I complain to myself slightly about the injustice of it all – I go halfway across town and they make me sick? The gall! But I am comforted by the reminder of the 20-dollar Starbucks gift card I received as a door raffle prize. Ce que l’on gagne d’une main, on le perd de l’autre !^[1] In this melee, I forget to open the envelope.

Saturday, 6^th December:

I open the envelope. You are asking me to bake something? It’s been a good 10 years since I’ve baked anything, but I’ll give it a go. I add the requisite bits to my shopping list for the next day. Outside, snow begins to fall. The weatherman says it’ll go all day. I consider my plate decorative strategy, and snuggle under a blanket with the dog and the newspaper. I complete my book, The Crisis Caravan, and ponder it’s contents. 

Sunday, 7^th December:

I depart for the grocery store after breakfast. The snow has entombed us – later, it would be decided by the NWS that we’d received 8 inches overnight. Plow men hadn’t been out in my subdivision yet. I started the car, and pulled out of the driveway. As the car’s antenna saw the sky, it started the satellite radio back to the station it was running when I parked it – Les Tubes Franco, a French pop station. The voice of Henri Des sings happily « J’suis content, c’est l’printemps, aujourd’hui j’ai rien à faire… ^[2]» I assume, given the weather, that this is some kind of divine joke. I turn the radio to Headlines 24/7 as I approach the gatehouse to leave my subdivision and hit the open road. I slowly work my way up Randall Road, observing a number of vehicles spun out in the ditches, several having kissed stoplights or telephone poles. I know slowly is the safest way to do it, so I continue to plod my way north, only once achieving the truly high speed of 30mph. As I went north, the snow seemed to thicken on the ground, and the conditions worsened. The anchor of the news channel informs me of vehicular waste and destruction across the northern Illinois area, as I arrive to the Jewel parking lot. The parking lot, and the store itself, were packed to the gunwales – everyone in Chicago, myself included, needed to get their shopping done before the Bears/Packers game started that afternoon. I escape relatively unharmed, to retreat home and determine the path of action. I decide the format of this paper on my drive home. 

Monday, 8^th December:

During the preparation for the Senior Staff meeting, I try floating the idea that having Teo or Ben prepare my scones would be a show of my delegatorial abilities. Others report they have tried this and were shot down, so I resign myself to making my own scones once more. I begin to feel worse as the day progresses. 

Tuesday, 9^th December – Morning: 

I wake at 6h30 with a terrible chill and attack of shaking, again. I finally gave in and brought myself to the urgent care down the road – they identify a swollen, warm boil on my arm as an infection, and say I’m lucky I didn’t wind up in the hospital, that it was likely growing all weekend. They send me home with a note for HR, enough Amoxicillin to kill a moderately-sized horse, and orders to rest. I inform Amy, who works with Lou and Jeremy – eventually they decide they can Zoom me in to the meeting via Jeremy’s laptop. They still expect me to bake scones, despite nobody but me being able to eat them due to the infection risk, and the noted difficulty in conveying scones through a video camera. Quelle insolence ! ^[3] But, I’ll do it.

Tuesday, 9^th December – Evening

I feel a sense of listlessness that can only be explained by the presence of a low-level systemic infection and the mental weight of SCONES. I begin the preparation process. I’ll be honest, I was supposed to mix it with a pastry utensil, but I found it more enjoyable (and I had a finer level of control) just using the tools God put on the end of my arms. I doled it out, and only folded raspberries into half of it – I do not particularly enjoy raspberries, and considering that nobody but my mother and I will eat these, it seemed to be a reasonable thing to do. We may have sampled the corner of a finished scone, and found it to be very pleasant. Now, I just have to figure out how I’m going to shove these through my laptop’s microphone in the morning. 

Wednesday, 10^th December, 05h30

I wake earlier than usual in a clamor of sweat and general unpleasantness. Shortly after waking, I become acutely aware that all the pain medications have worn off overnight. I think back to my book, and a story therein, about warlords in the Sierra Leone who were best known for removing arms of rebels – I wonder to myself if this would put an end to this infection. I decide it’s a more prudent move to instead forage for some breakfast, take some more pain medication and my antibiotics, and try to rest. My arm shall live to fight another day. 

---

^[1] That which one wins in one hand, one loses in the other!

^[2] I’m happy, it’s Springtime, and today I’ve nothing to do!

^[3] Translation of this line is left as an exercise to the reader. 

à demain, chéries !

happy thanksgiving

L’automne s’installe avec tout doucement, le froid, et des bonnes nouvelles !

It’s cold out there now, isn’t it. I have recently returned from the Mayo Clinic, where I underwent my annual cancer scans – a process my oncologist informs me will occur yearly, most likely, for the rest of my life. I’ve got it down to a fairly fast 2-3 day trip – arrive off the evening flight, head to the hotel and get settled in. The next morning, a blood test, an X-ray and an MRI. The second morning, a meeting with my urologist, and a mid-day flight back to Chicago.  

In other news, I have purchased a new car – a 2022 Chevy Bolt EUV in metallic black. I’m quite fond of it so far, and it only came with about 7,500 miles on it, so it’s effectively brand new. I didn’t realize the extent to which my old car was beating me half to death until I got one that still has half-decent shocks on it. Looking forward to seeing where this goes.

As a little treat to ourselves, we will be taking a weekend in Lake Geneva next weekend to enjoy the Christmas parade and light shows up there. It’ll be the first proper proving ground test of the new car, before I take it down to see a buddy in Fort Wayne next month (well, I may still fly, I’m not sure).

coups de cœur de la semaine dernière

performance : Alizée – J’en ai marre !, 25 Ans Déjà, at L’Olympia, 2025
j’ai pas de problèmes, je fainéante…

chanson : Jean-Pierre Mader, Disparu
people are being disappeared here in America, right now, you know

article : Chicago sees heaviest single-day snowfall in a decade
and it’s still coming down…

editorial : Les propos négationnistes de Grok, l’intelligence artificielle d’Elon Musk, sont le produit d’un système façonné par les données sur lesquelles il s’entraîne
garbage in, garbage out

à demain, chéries !

de paris avec amour

dispatched from the paris bureau desk, le 13 septembre 2025

weekly observations department:

We’ve spent the last week in Paris, and as of this writing, are on our way to London for Week 2. Unfortunately, we spent several days in Paris waylaid with what turned out to be severe sleep deprivation from jet lag – I honestly thought there was something wrong with me, my heart rate was incredibly elevated, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, etc. But thanks to some assistance of a sleeping medication, and the attentiveness of the American Hospital of Paris, I am back in business again.

Thankfully, I was well enough to engage in the primary point of my trip: Alizée’s 25 Ans Déjà concert at the Olympia Hall in Paris. I met many friends there, some of them for the first time in years and years. It was an absolutely excellent show, and was entirely worth the travel and ensuing ill-health. To feel the balcony shaking from the energy of the crowd was truly magical.

In a similar vein, I am pleased to announce the documentary project I have mentioned before is progressing well. I cannot mention more at this time until we get some legal rights sorted out, but I will provide more information as soon as I can. It’s a labor of love, and I’d love for you all to see it.

coups de cœur de la semaine derniére :

performance : Alizée – L’Alizé, 25 Ans Déjà, at L’Olympia 2025
de rêves et de bleuets, me plonger dedans

chanson : Lenaïg – Aussi simple que toi
j’voudrais juste être tranquille 🫠

article : ICE officer kills man during traffic stop in Chicago
good job mister president

éditorial : Charlie Kirk assassination another tear in the unraveling fabric of American life
it worries me

meme :

à demain, chéries !

of old friends and new beginnings

dispatched from the chicago bureau desk, le 27 aôut 2025

dispatched from the chicago bureau desk, le 27 aôut 2025

feature photo:

weekly observations department:

I have recently left Lake Zurich, after four wonderful years, for a new apartment in South Elgin. Much closer to work – going back to a 10 minute drive is worth any cost, but I’m paying less monthly here too, so it’s a win in both columns. Cupcake is settling in well, and we’re familiarizing ourselves with the neighborhood – we’re finding it very nice so far.

Unfortunately, I did not pay attention to scheduling – we moved about 10 days before we leave the country for the better part of a month. Can’t win them all, but we could use a vacation at the end of the move. My car’s hit the big 100, but now that I’m down to driving 10 miles a day, it’ll go a lot longer, I suppose.

coups de cœur de la semaine derniére :

performance : Lara Fabian – Je suis de toi (Live at Laurent Gerra: L’anniversaire-Événement, France, 2025)
i’d listen to her sing me a phonebook

chanson : Lenaïg – Aussi simple que toi
j’voudrais juste être tranquille 🫠

article : O’Hare Airport’s long-awaited terminal design takes flight
i’ll believe it when i see it

éditorial : Nancy Faust Transformed the Sound of Baseball (Chicago Reader)
the finest to ever do it

meme :

à demain, chéries !

Fool's Errands

This is a copy of the Fool’s Errands page, originally posted by DragonQueen to her personal site. I am re-hosting it to avoid bit rot, as her site has fallen into disrepair and most modern browsers will either refuse to open it, or only open it after a massive amount of security warnings. All credit to her.

A “Fools Errand” is the practical joke of sending a person to fetch some non-existent but plausible sounding item. The joke is usually played at work on a new employee or apprentice and its effectiveness depends on the naivete of the victim. Here are some of the more common Fools Errands. There are hundreds of such errands; many are specific to particular occupations. Many of the objects are non-existent items. Others really do exist, but not in the context of the occupation where they are set as a fool’s errand e.g. fallopian tubing makes sense to a doctor, but not to a plumber. Many errands rely on an apprentice being overwhelmed by technical jargon; as long as the errand or object sounds plausible, he assumes it to be yet more jargon.

2 by 4 stretcher
10ft of fallopian tube
10 metres of <commercial air name> air-line
100m of flightline
A5 Continuation sheets (secretarial: if it’s too big for A5, you use A4)
A bee-line
AC battery
Adjustable needle-nose pliers
Ants’ milk
Articulated Gyrogorphotor (£10,000 value and lost/stolen!) (assumed to be a fools errand)
A runaround (sent all over the place; “runaround” is also slang for a beat-up but reliable car)
Bar stretchers
Basin Trials (get Junior sailor watching the basins in the bathrooms for any leaks prior to sailing)
Battery for the dynamo flashlight
Bearing grease for the Radio Compass/Tacan/VOR etc.
Big weight/wait (same effect as a long wait)
Binnacle Alignment Tool (naval)
Bird food for the cuckoo in the cuckoo clock
Bit bucket for the bits lost when the computer system crashes
Blinker fluid/indicator fluid (car mechanics) 
Box of grid squares
Box of sparks for spark plugs
Box of tappet clearances
Box of topo (civil engineering, “Topo” is a Japanese snack-food)
BT Punch (naval – popular on ships with 1200 lb. plants, and huge knuckle-dragging BTs; don’t specify whether to ask for the left or right punch; a smart HT will suggest taking both “just to be sure”)
Bubbles for spirit levels
Bucket of steam
Bucket of compressed air
Can of blue steam
Can of squelch (when target returns empty-handed, “remember” it now comes in spray cans not tin cans)
Canopy lights (air force)
Cans of Water Slugs (naval)
Check/Czech paint
Chem-Light batteries (air force)
Compass Oil
Compass wrench
Copper magnet
Coriolus effect technician (IT) – to check direction the token on token ring network is travelling
Coriolus effect watch, in order to determine when you have crossed the equator. Coriolus effect is which way water circles the plughole! (naval)
Coupon rake (banking)
Cranking down the mast (naval)
Crocodile Milk
Curve stretcher (civil engineering)
Cyrillic Pencil
Data packets
Deicer for the level
DF Bearing Grease (naval)
Dry water
Elbow grease
e.m.h.o. log (naval: early morning hard on)
Find Charley Noble (galley smoke stack) (USN 1950s)
Find the Golden Rivet (naval – the golden rivet was supposedly the last rivet installed and located in the shaft alley)
Find the spilt token (computing – when a token ring network cable is unplugged, can end up with everyone on hands and knees searching!)
Fire warmer
Flux capacitor (only to be found in a sci-fi movie)
Frequency grease (if the radar sounds too squeaky), if the new guy brings anything back it’s low frequency grease and you needed high frequency grease
Gig Line (naval)
Glass axe
Glass hammer
Glass magnet
Gnat’s Milk
Gnat Tit Ointment
Grape grater
Green oil for the starboard lamp (naval)
Hard punch
Holes for hole punches
Horizontal tentpegs
Hose Stretchers
Howitzer report (ordnance)
ID-ten-T form (ID-10T – popular in armed forces)
Jet Blast Compound (aviation)
Key to the vapour lock
Keys to the drop zone (air force)
K9P Cutting Fluid
Learning curve (draughtsman)
Left-handed box-end wrench
Left-handed gavel (auctioneer’s mallet)
Left-handed monkey wrench
Left-handed paint roller
Left-handed punch/right-handed punch (these errands are painful)
Left handed screwdriver
Left-handed smokeshifter
Left-handed tablespoon 
Liquid magnet
Long drop
Long stand (“long stands” exist in the clothing industry)
Long weight  (storesman goes away for a while to “look” on his return he says “was that long enough?”)
Mercury rods/discs (mercury is liquid at room temperature)
Metric adjustable wrenches (in metric countries: Imperial adjustable wrenches)
MIL-TFD-1111 (mythical military/engineering standard: “Make It Like – The F**king Drawing” – For Once)
Money changing for Gibraltar – “If you’re going ashore you better go and cash a cheque for your Giblets” (naval)
New cursor for the computer (IT)
New tokens for the Token Ring network (computing)
Newton’s Rings for the camera (Newton’s Rings are a light interfence pattern) 
Non-conductive cardboard
Ooievaarskuitenvet (The Netherlands – storks’ calves’ fat) 
Pachyderm trunking
Paper-stretcher
Peedo-file (on a written chit – pronounced “paedophile”)
Pink paraffin for the night lights (red bulbs!, naval) 
Podger, for aligning holes (in some circles, this exists)
Pot dividers (kitchen staff) 
Polka-dot paint
Post-hole key (on a race track)
PRC-E7 (“prick E7”) (PRC “prick” is military radio, but E7 is a grade of sergeant; PRC-E7 = “prick sergeant” not a type of radio)
Prop Wash (aviation)
Rearrange the 6-ply (6 colored sheets with 5 carbons to put in reverse order)
Recharge the escape arrows with a torch (naval)
Recharger for the sound-powered phone batteries
Relative Bearing Grease for the compass
Requisition the Supply Officer for 1000 Gas Tight Envelopes (armed forces)
Ring centres (essentially these are paper punchouts/chads)
Roll of film for the digital Camera
Rubber mallet (rubber-headed panel-beating mallets exist)
Sauerkraut seed
Sending a sailor to “pilot” the missile (naval)
Sending new techs at a CommSta hunting for a spool of Red Order Wire to do some repairs (naval)
Sending someone to Engineering Control to report, “Sir, High level alarm in the cooling system, request permission to blow the MPA” (naval)
Sending someone to the Chiefs’ mess to turn off their lights when “darken ship” is piped (naval)
Sending someone to the galley to get some oil boiled when the Petty Officer requests boiled oil. Linseed oil is “double boiled” so it can be sent back with the fool saying “you’ve only boiled this once” (naval)
Shelf expander (expanding shelves really do exist)
Shore line stretcher
Siren Winders (fire/ambulance service)
Skyhooks (items by this name have since been invented for aviation use)
Snake oil
Snipe Hunt (scouts/military, a night-time communal fools’ errand)
Socket for round nuts
Some electricity (usually the fool is sent away form stores with a battery)
Some snew (fool usually asks “What’s snew?” [what’s new?]) 
Sonar grease (for when it sounds a bit “squeaky”)
Sound powered phone batteries (naval)
Spare smoke canister for when the smoke (that runs the computer/other electrical kit) escapes
Sparks for the fire
Sparks for the grinder
Spark samples from the angle grinder
Squilgee Sharpener (naval)
Stand mail buoy watch (naval)
Stand Monkey Watch while sailing past Gibraltar (included a broomstick and a hard hat)
Striped Paint
Tartan paint
Tartan yarn (wool)
Tuning pipe for a fog horn
The lost document file
Virtual ram for the computer network server
Water Hammer (this is the banging sound made in water pipes)
Waveguide stretcher (radar operators)
White ink for the inkjet printer
Winter grade air for winter tyres
Wiremesh watering can
Yard of chow line (military)
Yard of shoreline

Below, are included stories of Fool’s Errands in practice, sent in to me:

On TV, green-screen used to be called colour separation overlay “CSO” (where a person filmed against a green background is transposed onto a scene). BBC staff sometimes played a prank on novices. After shooting their first first CSO scene, an embarrassed-looking cameraman would ask the actor if anyone had told him/her that they needed to wear special CSO underwear to avoid “revelations”. The embarrassed actor would rush off to the costume department to demand the (completely fictional) underwear, only to be met by other cast members and crew laughing at the prank. 

New students at certain posh British colleges were urged very seriously to leave a urine sample outside the Principal’s Office on arrival. No containers were provided, resulting in a surreal element to this prank/errand.

In the clothing industry, a “long stand” is a genuine item for a 5thread overlocker industrial sewing machine.

At one firm, office juniors got sent to pick up the sandwiches from the snack bar and the order would contain “with an extra helping of beef curtains” (slang for labia)

Another favourite was to tell some naive apprentice that the small metal files were called peedo-files and send them off to stores “can I have a paedophile please?”

Junior kitchen hands in seafront hotels would get sent round neighbouring hotels to ask for “a bucket of seawater” to test their initiative – with the sea only a few metres away …. Asking them to locate the chocolate teapot was another one (hot tea melts chocolate!)

There is also “the box of punch holes to fill in accidentally punched holes in paper” (from secretarial days)

Somewhere I have the “official memo” asking people to unplug their phones so we can de-fluff the phone lines. As soon as the site fire-alarm test sounded everyone must blow down their end of the phone cable to blow all the fluff into the exchange room to be swept up. It is amazing how many fools complied.

One I did in my SysOp days: the laser printer jammed and “evil Edna” (an older secretary, not computer literate) pulled the network cable out of the printer. SysOps convinced her that individual characters are sent down the wire and there must be a pile of spilled characters on the floor. The cleaners were not
particularly diligent in the printer areas, so there was a mess of spilled toner and paper dust on the floor. We didn’t think evil Edna would actually try to scoop the stuff into the network cable! Perhaps Evil Edna should have heeded the following advice from an IT tech: “There are two kinds of bits, zero bits and one bits. One bits are heavier than air, and fall to the floor. If anyone sees a pile of one bits, the cleaner gets the blame for not sweeping the floor. Zero bits are lighter than air. They float upward and cling to the ceiling tiles. Once you have enough bits, which isn’t hard at 10 million per second, the cloud of zero bits looks just like cigarette smoke … and since this is a no-smoking office you’re in big trouble.”

When crossing the equator on a vessel with a computer installation, you need to send an IT tech to see if the token (on token ring network) stops rotating ON the equator and if it starts to rotate in the opposite direction in the other hemisphere.

What about MIL-TFD-1111 ? In companies building military kit, this is the “international standard” someone is sent to fetch/read/research if they bodge a job. MIL-TFD-1111 stands for “Make It Like – The F***ing Drawing – 4 Ones (for once)”; a variation is MIL-TFD-4111.

When one correspondent worked in one particular school, a small group of teachers had a scheme worked out so they could get rid of someone for a while. The teacher sent them to another class for the “red book”. When the student got there, they would be referred to another teacher across the other side of the school. Collaborating teachers had a little circuit worked out so that the unfortunate would walk quite a distance before finally being directed back to the original class. By that time, either class was over and they become someone else’s problem, or they had cooled down and behaved for the rest of the lesson.

12ft vernier with fast trav’  (with apologies to non-engineers who don’t understand this and who probably won’t understand the explanation – a “vernier caliper gauge” aka a “guessing stick” or a “near-as-dammit stick” is a measuring tool used to measure in hundreds of a millimetre or thousands of an inch, and the biggest one made is about 12″ long. As for the “fast trav”, that would be found on lathes and milling machines.)

One apprentice was given a folded requisition slip by his boss and told ‘Go and get this from the Tool Stores for me, please.’ It was not an unusual request so off he went and handed it in without reading it. He stood there for about 10 minutes until the storeman came back and said ‘We haven’t got any – try Goods Inwards’. this made me suspicious, so he opened the requisition and it said : ‘A long stand’. In a similar tale, the apprentice was sent from one department to another until he finally read the requisition slip, he had been sent to get the runaround! 

One correspondent used to be a waitress in a well known chain.  All new starters used to either asked to water the plants (they were all artificial), or asked to draw the curtains – which were only for show so didn’t even have rail attached!  And some naive appos (apprentices) from local ordnance stores were sent in to ask the waitress if she had “beef curtains” (slang for labia).

There is a drawing (i.e. circuit diagram on microfilm) in the library at one aero-engineering site that contains a picture of a cartoon character on it. An apprentice is told to go and fetch the a certain drawing from the print-room and is handed a microfilm printout of a cartoon!

Another chap sent a fellow apprentice to the stores for a box of square waves. Being a bit savvy, he came back with a box of curly polystyrene packing pieces, emptied them over the super’s desk and said that they didn’t have any square waves, would these sine waves do instead!

Richard Jeffery of BAE SYSTEMS recalls a fools errand from his days in the Royal Navy. “The Royal Navy had countless tricks, I can only remember two well organized ones: “The coxswain for towed target practice”  where newly recruited seamen were asked to volunteer to steer the targets that were towed off the back of ships; and “The Malta dog shoot” (which Richard nearly fell for) – Malta being a regular port of call, when days before a ship was due in Malta, signs and letters would go up on notice boards claiming an outbreak of wild dogs on The Island and volunteers were asked to go on a hunt to shoot them. Volunteers had to sign up on notice board.

Some people manage to take hours, or even days, off work while searching vainly for sky hooks, tartan paint, stop bits for the ethernet or the tuning pipe for the foghorn. There’s also the mythical punishment of sailors being told off to chip paint with rubber hammers; something on a par with army punishments of trimming the lawn with nail scissors or scrubbing the toilets with a toothbrush.

A Dutch junior clerk took a taxi (instead of the usual bike) to go fetch a coupon rake (a heavy and unwieldy piece of iron given to him by another branch of the bank, something impossible to cycle with!)

Siren winder: some fire stations give the target a large fake key and watch him search in vain for a winding hole on the fire engine. Fire engine sirens are electrical.

New dealers at casino card tables might be sent for a left-handed shoe or some shoe grease. A “shoe” is the case from which playing cards are dealt one at a time)

From “Sean”: Back in the days before outsourcing, we maintenance blokes borrowed a couple of mechanical engineering apprentices to help us move a large transformer out of the generator building. This entailed the use of rollers under the damn thing. I joked to my colleague that the rollers method was how ancient Egyptians used to move transformers. One of the mech. apprentices immediately went “Wow! I didn’t know ancient Egyptians used transformers!” (We half-persuaded him that ancient Egyptians had electro-plated the pyramids before he sussed the joke)A road ganger was asked to fetch a “roadside plane” (supposedly used for levelling roadsides) and being more than usually diligent he discovered that something of that name really existed, so he hired it. It cost the firm £200 a day in hire fees! Another fool’s errand misfired when a diligent junior engineer located a “long stand” (part of an industrial sewing machine) and ordered one; luckily no-one has yet bought an old, cheap car when sent for a “runaround”.

A trainee chemist shop assistant was left to man the counter alone. He was almost immediately asked by a “customer” (actually a colleague) to find a jar of Gnat Tit Ointment. Days later when he is once more alone at the counter, another customer asks him for mothballs. The trainee responded “Mothballs? Who do you think you’re fooling?”

There is also the tale of the compass wrench, an item many Dutch sailors have searched for in vain. The trainee navigator is told that the compass needs adjusting and to fetch the compass wrench from the engine room. On one luxury liner the engineers hoisted an enormous 50 kg, 1 metre long wrench onto the shoulders of the trainee who had to stagger up a 30 metre oil-covered stairway. The prank backfired when one trainee became so angry at learning it was a prank that he dumped the “compass wrench” overboard. A similar tale is told of the tuning pipe for the foghorn, another unwieldy prank item also kept in an inconvenient place.

“You always manage to get plenty of volunteers for the lucrative job of ‘Splash Target Coxswain’ although a few drop out during training once they realise it’s a bite!” … “Larne/Splash target Cox’n has to be a favourite, the fun is actually in getting the candidates to do the training (in dry bag , Goggles, rigging set, Assault troop lifejacket and yellow surcoat)”.

“One long boring patrol we organized the SPCWS (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Water Slugs), complete with protest signs, petitions, and a sit-in held in the Torpedo Room.” It seems that plenty of fools joined that one.

Send a private to look of “soft spots” on an armoured vehicle by tapping it with a ball pein hammer (a hardened hammer). This results in a vehicle covered in lots of dents, all marked with chalk. Also done in the car trade. Note: use a vehicle which has already been designated as scrap!

From Geoff Cashman: I was in the USN Reserves way back when…the unit I was in spent two weeks aboard USS Briscoe, a Sprucan. We were doing circles off the Virginia Capes, various drills etc., with midshipmen onboard. One particular fellow in our unit, Seaman White, was not the sharpest tool in the shed. I was on the bridge on watch, with the ship riding in a fairly gentle quartering sea, winds around 20kts. We saw some deck apes on the forecastle with Seaman White, dressed in foulies and a harness of some sort. They attached a line to him, and sent him up to the prow of the ship with a boat hook, and ran the line back to the position they took up inside the superstructure. The XO, who had the con, saw what was happening and ordered the ship into the wind. Seaman White then had apparent wind over the bow at around 25kts or so, with a medium rain and the bow of the ship dancing around a bit. The skipper, who had been sacked out at the time, came onto the bridge. He walked up to the windows on the forward bulkhead and asked, “What the hell is he doing up there?”. The XO calmly replied, “Mail buoy watch sir”. The skipper muttered “Jesus Christ” under his breath and stomped off the bridge. 

Greg Surratt added: We did the same thing with a new ensign. Best part was when Boats took a canvas mail sack full of trash back aft and dipped it in the drink, then took it to the bow and gave it to the mail buoy watch, chewing his ass for “missing” the mail as we passed by, and including a stern lecture (with a straight face, no less) on how to stand a proper watch. Then Boats made him bring the bag to the bridge and report to the OOD the recovery of the ship’s mail. 

Bob May writes: You can mark off the “Bucket of Steam” as one that got done. In 1968 I got assigned to the USS Truxtun (DLGN-35) as a Second Class Fire Control Tech Missiles. This was my first real sea-duty and the Chief in charge of my area decided to have some fun with me. He asked me to get a bucket of steam. So I went and got him a bucket of steam by the following procedure. I went to the supply locker and got a bucket. Then I took that bucket to the machine shop where I had the machinist cut a piece of steel to fit the top of the bucket and then drill and tap two holes in it for fittings. I then took that to the welding shop and had the top welded onto the bucket and then tested it for airtightness. Following that was a trip to the boilermakers for fittings and the filling of the bucket with steam from the reactor. Took that to the Chief and he was a bit amazed by the experience of actual steam coming out of the faucet when he opened it! I might also add another one that gets the sailors – a Waterline Eraser. All ships have a waterline (that’s where the water level is on the hull) and it’s kind of difficult to get a “waterline eraser”. About the only way that you can do that is to put the ship in a dry-dock.MORE FUN WITH FOOLS

Several denizens of sci.military. naval pointed out the fun to be had in getting inexperienced staff to make the following shipboard announcements (“pipes”):
“D’ya hear there, No smoking – no naked lights on the weather decks – H2O spillage” (After a rain storm)
“D’Ya hear there, The Sports store is now open, all Tennis rackets are to be returned to the PTI and Balls to the Master at Arms”
“Hot pies are now being issued from the main galley” Most effective when made at standeasy and guaranteed to impress the overworked Cabbage mechanics!
“RO Tate report to the Hangar”
“REM Brantd report to the Paint store”
“Seaman Stains report to Laundry”
“e.m.h.o report. Time up 0600. Time Down 0620. 6 inches.” (e.m.h.o is early morning hard on [erection])
“Pass the word, status is IC2 Balls”

From TJ: LRPCs = Little Round Paper Circles (not a fool’s errand, but a game to play with fools)
LRPC is the original term I heard for what is now called chad. Difference seems to be that LRPCs came from hole punches and chad came from punched paper tape. The use of either was as follows:
Day 1: Get styrofoam cup. Punch out bottom. Put on desk of target. Fill with chad/LRPCs. Target picks up cup saying something like: Hey, wadda fug is dis? Chad/LRPCs leak out all over the place (also called a “Chad bomb”)
Day 2 for same target: Glue a cardboard circle about 1/2 inch below rim of cup (false bottom). Cover circle with glue and cover with chad/LRPCs. Put on desk. Target will cuss (of course) while trying to edge the cup off the desk without spilling anything thru the assumed hole (yesterday’s lesson of punched out bottom). Nothing falls out. Target usually tips cup, and nothing falls out. Target tosses cup with more ‘colorful metaphors.’
Day 3 for same target: Remove cardboard circle/get new cup with bottom punched out. Fill with loose chad as in day 1. Target will cuss (of course) while trying to edge the cup off the desk without spilling anything thru the assumed hole. Will then forget what’s going on and toss it or tip it over thus spilling the chad all over.

Sarah H added: Part fill one 35mm film canister with chads/punchouts. Put lid back on. Lift lid just enough so you can squirt “freezer spray” into the container. Put lid back on tightly. Leave on target’s desk in unobtrusive place. Depending on office temperature, in around 10 minutes the freezer spray (no longer under pressure) will have expanded enough to pop the top off the film canister and paper punchouts explode everywhere. The confetti effect is amusing, as is the target finding punchouts in his work area forever after.

Jim: slightly messier version: Freeze a couple of cans of shaving cream in liquid Nitrogen for a few minutes, then carefully remove the can from the frozen contents with tin snips etc. Place cylinder of solid cream for best effect and just wait for the temp to come up. Really impressive how much stuff fits in that little can.

You can make an extraordinary effective stink bomb by freezing a clove of garlic in liquid nitrogen. Toss it into the place where the effect is to be, and it will shatter to fine powder. When it warns up, all the garlic oil gets released at once. 

Water-filled desk: First thing in morning, target had tendency to noisily and viciously pull his drawer (very wide shallow drawer) out suddenly, grunt when whatever he sought was not visible and then slam drawer shut. Early one morning we emptied drawer, lined it with plastic sheet and carefully filled it with water before sliding drawer shut. Target arrived, viciously yanked out drawer, water went first to back of drawer and before target could register what was happening, a tidal wave went over his legs. The rest of us were wearing white rubber boots or other protective clothing – something which raised no suspicions when working in a chemical laboratory – and were able to view the events at close quarters while remaining dry. Target never mistreated desk drawers again.

Police Line tape: We had some construction going on in the parking lot and some parts were marked off with POLICE LINE tape. They borrowed some traffic cones and connected them with borrowed tape and put it around some poor guy’s car and printed a very official looking sign: POLICE TEST: DO NOT DISTURB. The guy came out after work to find his car marked off and was of a gullible disposition. Finally worked up the nerve to call security to ask when he could have his car back.

quelques réflexions lorsque l'on fait une tour le long de la côte

dispatched from the chicago bureau desk, le 14 juin 2025

dispatched from the chicago bureau desk, le 14 juin 2025

feature photo (to those who crap on my writing style):

weekly observations department:

I was driving up Sheridan, and other assorted little roads, this morning on a trip up to see my barber in Winthrop Harbor. It strikes me that I will not be seeing him much longer – in August, I’ll be moving down to South Elgin to be closer to work, but that would put me nearly two hours from his new location. I appreciate his work, but not nearly enough to spend half a day driving there and back.

On the drive, I had an ample amount of time to reflect – one of my trains of thought was prompted by a subdivision I saw called “Traditions on [forgettable street or area name]”. I am not entirely sure what thought this is supposed to evoke in me – what sort of “traditions” do they refer to, considering that 15 years ago, that patch of land was wetland and trees next to the old North Shore train line? In a similar vein, I found myself waylaid on my journey by a closure of Sheridan for something that called itself “Nostalgia Fest” in Zion. Whether it’s a pleasant callback for the “C’était Mieux Avant” types, or the last gasps of the corpse of a town that doesn’t know it’s dead yet is for you to decide.

unrelated writings department:

New job is going well. My father will come home again once they’re done with him in the city – the county is slow-rolling his death certificate, and I don’t want to drive down there twice – based on my last trip downtown (the return home from which took 2 hours), it’s not good for my blood pressure, not to mention my tires.

In that vein, I picked up a nail driving home from work Wednesday – decided to get the front struts done at the same time, in lieu of car shopping. New job, new house, I’d rather keep the good car and have one less thing I have to think about. Besides, Vivienne has been good to me over the years.

coups de cœur de la semaine derniére :

performance : Patricia Kaas – Il Me Dit Que Je Suis Belle, en live dans le Grand Studio RTL (2016)
i’d listen to her sing me a phonebook

chanson : Lenaïg – Je ne pense qu’à ça
facebook recommendations found me a good one

article : ‘No Kings’ protests fill streets in Chicago and suburbs
nothing is as american as a protest

éditorial : OnlyFans, Bonnie Blue, and the petting zoo: what a bleak indictment of modern Britains (London Evening Standard)
des pornographes – c’était mieux avant…

meme :

à demain, chéries !

l'histoire que je voulais pas écrire

dispatched from the chicago bureau desk, le 5 juin 2025

dispatched from the chicago bureau desk, le 5 juin 2025

feature photo (writing after the fold):

weekly observations department:

My father Donald Fernando Xenos, 67, of Chicago, passed yesterday afternoon into the arms of the Lord, by the cause of an irreversible Multisystem Organ Failure, adjunct to pneumonia and congestive heart failure.

Per his wishes, no formal services will be held, a private dinner will be and details will be communicated to those welcomed when able. In lieu of flowers or donations, please take a buddy to a Sox game.

unrelated writings department:

I have started a new job as of last month – I am looking forward to seeing where this goes. Qui change rien, qui change tout.

coups de cœur de la semaine derniére :

performance : Lara Fabian – Je T’aime, Live on the Voices Tour in Athens, 4 juin 2025
lara, on t’aime toujours !

chanson : Cœur Maladroit, Marine (2025)
to answer my last post – this is what’s next, and it’s very nice

article : Jerry Reinsdorf, Justin Ishbia agree to deal on potential sale of White Sox
si dieu le veut…

éditorial : That hazy sky out there isn’t harmless (Chicago Tribune)
my allergies have been kicking my dick

meme :

à demain, chéries !

moi, je veux qu'ça s'arrête

dispatched from the chicago bureau desk, le 16 mars 2025

dispatched from the chicago bureau desk, le 16 mars 2025

feature photo (writing after the fold) (yes, same as last time, I like it):

weekly observations department:

Ballbuster of a month. Family member has been diagnosed with cancer (not sharing too much out of privacy reasons, but it’s real shit, and it’s going to be a bitch of a fight). Father continues to get weaker, and I am looking at placing him in a nursing home – he will, sooner rather than later, require the 24/7 monitoring and assistance. I do not like change, and I certainly do not like all this change all at once – hence, the title of today’s despatch, « Me, I’d like it all to stop ! »

unrelated writings department:

the fact that once again, we have a St. Patrick’s weekend where it’s 60 and beautiful on Saturday it’s snowing dick on Sunday prove the immutable truth: 
the Good Lord supports getting torqued with your friends outside of Durty Nelly‘s during the parade, but does not support the freaks who get dressed up in spandex to run circles around my subdivision at six in the morning for a charity event !

coups de cœur de la semaine derniére :

performance : Lara Fabian & Marie-Eve Riverin – I Will Love Again, TVA Star Académie, Québec
an old favorite with a new guest

chanson : Ma Faute, Marine (2025)
she escaped starac, let’s see what comes next…

article : “Where’s my justice?” Only 6% of Chicago shootings lead to arrests (Chicago Sun-Times)
a prescient question…

éditorial : La lutte contre le réchauffement climatique doit rester une priorité (Le Parisien)
here’s to hoping it’s not too late !

meme :

à demain, chéries !

pas au revoir, mais, à demain !

dispatched from the chicago bureau desk, le 14 février 2025

dispatched from the chicago bureau desk, le 14 février 2025

feature photo (writing after the fold):

weekly observations department:

there won’t be much going on this week – I’m in the middle of moving my site to a proper hosting infrastructure on the new NAS, and will be gone all day Saturday, on assignment in the city of brats and beers.

coups de cœur de la semaine derniére :

performance : Love Makes No Sense, Alexander O’Neal, Live in Minneapolis 2011
in deference to st. valentine

chanson : Sur Le Fil, Jenifer, Jukebox (2024) version
marcher sur un fil c’est pas difficile…

article : En Californie, la « prof de l’année » plaide coupable d’avoir abusé (Le Parisien)
i suppose that’s one way to make teacher of the year…

éditorial : Pascal Praud : « Anne Hidalgo incarne une forme de bêtise en politique » (CNews)
just don’t give her your phone !

meme :

à demain, chéries !

le 6 février, un an après

dispatched from the chicago bureau desk, le 9 février 2025 – a week of memories and new beginnings !

dispatched from the chicago bureau desk, le 9 février 2025

feature photo (writing after the fold):

« when they ask “just who do you think you are?” i tell them – “if you knew what it was a job to be me, you’d know i don’t have the time to be anyone else !” »

weekly observations department:

this past week is replete with memories – 5 years ago, my wonderful nana passed away, and 1 year ago, I underwent my partial nephrectomy to remove the tumor on my kidney. all in all, i feel blessed to be here, and thankful to still be ned at my last scan. i now only need to report in once per year, and although they want to do some additional poking next time around (unrelated to the cancer – they’ve identified several interesting genetic markers which warrant further analysis, although they do not spell illness out of the gate), i am in better health than i have been in many years. i would also like to take this post to thank all of those who have been there with me this year – without you, i could not do it, and i would not have a reason to !

the unrelated thoughts department – wagons in america

it’s a proper shame that i cannot find a decent stationwagon in america. vw doesn’t make the jetta wagon anymore, no real options from the domestic carmakers, subarus are getting taller and suv-like, and the audi options are all quite a bit more expensive than i’d be comfortable spending. i have a few more years before it matters, i just hit 91k on my jetta, and i’d like to get 200k out of her, if i’m lucky.

coups de cœur de la semaine derniére :

performance : Gemme, Nolwenn Leroy, live on The Voice France 2017
une performance comme un arc-en-ciel (éternelle, immortelle…)

chanson : I’m Breakable, Lara Fabian
from this height, I’m petrified … but i’m alive !

article : Trêve à gaza : l’état de santé des otages libérés (CNews)
bring them home !

éditorial : South Shore girl who died playing with a gun didn’t have to lose her life (Chicago Sun-Times)
« but any adult who took the deadly weapon out of its secure storage space, allowing Priscilla access, must be held accountable »

meme :

à demain, chéries !

bon Dimanche, mes amis

dispatched from the chicago bureau desk, le 2 février 2025 – a quiet weekend, nothing of note to report.

dispatched from the chicago bureau desk, le 2 février 2025

feature photo (writing after the fold):

weekly observations department:

a quiet weekend, nothing of note to report. of course, quiet is often welcomed – particularly at the end of a very busy holiday season. i approach the first anniversary of my kidney operation at the end of this week – everything remains clear, and i do not need to report for another scan until the fall. the drumbeat of “will it come back” has abated, by and large, since the scans came clear before thanksgiving – and for this i am thankful !

the unrelated thoughts department – mosiah 4, 16-19

and also, ye yourselves will succor those that stand in need of your succor; ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain, and turn him out to perish.
perhaps thou shalt say: the man has brought upon himself his misery; therefore i will stay my hand, and will not give unto him of my food, nor impart unto him of my substance that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just— but i say unto you, o man, whosoever doeth this the same hath great cause to repent; and except he repenteth of that which he hath done he perisheth forever, and hath no interest in the kingdom of god.
for behold, are we not all beggars? do we not all depend upon the same being, even god, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind?

coups de cœur de la semaine derniére :

performance : Disturbed, Sound of Silence, Live on Conan
the original is a theory, this version is a warning

chanson : I Will Love Again, Lara Fabian
she’s a favorite, what can I say

article : Moins de viande, plus de plaisir ? (Le Monde)
i know i should eat less meat, but damn, is it hard

éditorial : Courts should reject Sackler family bid (Chicago Tribune)
the Sacklers should hang for what they have wrought on the world

meme :

à demain, chéries !

bon Dimanche, mes amis

feature photo (writing after the fold):

weekly observations department:

Busy few weeks at chez Al. The SOS office sent me away – their renewal letter said I needed one document to get my license address corrected, and when I arrived, they informed me that the letter was incorrect, and I needed two! Oy. Perhaps Trump’s new DOGE will take care of this mess? I’ll believe it when I see it.

In other news, I celebrated my 29th birthday last Saturday. Nothing too big, just went out and had a nice dinner – something I try to do once a month, at least. It’s been a busy new year at work, and I haven’t had the time to decompress as I normally like to, but it’s better than the alternative, I suppose.

the unrelated thoughts department – on driving in chicago:

you’re driving up to a light and it turns yellow. you’re in that spot where it would be hard to stop but risky to keep going. you think you’ll be alright so you forge on. you get halfway through and the light clicks red. you let out a small sigh, check your rearview mirror and three more people have gone through the light behind you.

you breathe a sigh of relief, because the cops’ll get them and not you. you survive to fight another day.

coups de cœur de la semaine derniére :

performance : Munkh-Erdene.I, Sixteen Tons, on the Voice Mongolia
love me a low voice, and his take on the classic is captivating

chanson : On N’oublie Jamais Rien, On Vit Avec – Hélène Ségara
i heard this live at the salle pleyel last month, what a show

article : Enfermé 4 mois sous l’eau dans une capsule (Le Parisien)
4 months in an underwater capsule ? better him than me !

éditorial : Bronzeville Bears? (Chicago Sun-Times)
only winners should get a new stadium !

meme :

bon Dimanche, mes amis

feature photo (writing after the fold):

It was a very busy week – in addition to having to learn how to use Cloudflare Pages and Workers (which I am now using to host this site), I had to deal with the backlog of projects that tend to accumulate when one leaves the country for a few weeks in December, combined with the pain of recovery from a particularly difficult sinus infection. Thankfully, with copious amounts of caffeine and antibiotics, I have largely recovered.

Tomorrow, I get to welcome the new week with the delightful company of the Secretary of State’s office, where I must submit myself to varied tests in order to renew my driver’s license. Let’s see if I still feel “recovered” after they get through with me.

coups de cœur de la semaine derniére :

performance : Sting, Shape of My Heart, Live in Toscana, 2001
a beautiful rendition of one of my favorite songs

chanson : Lara Fabian, Hypersensible, from Je Suis Là
as a hypersensitive person, it speaks to my heart

article : Early Ticket Alert, WBEZ
never too early to get started on the new year

éditorial : Will the Silvertown Tunnel be Bad for London (Evening Std.)
perhaps khan should’ve asked this question before they started

meme :

bon Samedi, mes amis

feature photo (writing after the fold):

Until I find something more worth writing, this will have to suffice – a proof of life, in its own way.

coups de cœur de la semaine derniére :

performance : Lara Fabian, Je T’ai Cherché sur 20h30 le Dimanche
for showcasing Lara’s spectacular voice in a new way

chanson : All I Want for Christmas is You, Natasha St. Pier
c’est la saison

article : Translating the Qur’an for the Deaf, Aramco World (page 26)
for making me consider something I’ve never considered before

éditorial : La voie étroite d’Emmanuel Macron (Le Monde)
for detailing Macron’s untenable position

meme :